Broken reflection
I gaze silently into the taintless ice of despair,
huddled in the soft white snow by the lakeside,
inhaling the frozen mists and the sunrise dew,
the bright surface reflecting my anger into myself,
so much fury and rage,
so cold, just so cold and passionless.
I tremble in the arid, serene haze,
drowning in my own hurt,
my own nightmares.
A sensitive ripple agitates my pain,
I see her smiling over my shoulder,
I ask her to depart,
to abandon me in my seclusion,
obstinate to my appeals, she whispers my name,
I want her to leave, why won't she leave?
leave me in the chill of loneliness, I want her to leave.
She beckons and winks,
whispers into my ear,
the debauching vixen inside her flowing
into my chilly mists,
my declining insubordination disintegrates,
my violated soul acquiesces to her cravings,
I lack the strength to fight her,
I need something to cling to,
anything,
anybody,
I need support, she offers support.
I need comfort, she comforts me,
I clutch her in desperation,
she moves closer, faithfully trapping me within
her mind, her soul, her body, her love.
My pain is released, I go numb in her embrace,
her squeeze is secure, she won't let me go,
my will forfeited within her,
her heartbeat is all I hear,
reverberating next to my broken pulse.
A shy smile appears on my lips,
she now controls my scarlet past and veiled future,
my fractured life,
I don't deserve this,
I don't merit her love,
why didn't she leave me?
leave me in the chill of loneliness, I need her to stay,
but abruptly she abandons my heart.
The cold dagger, the pain of betrayal in her lips,
stabs unclose my blinded eyes,
but I have no will to fight her,
I still need her cheating touch, I still cling to her unwarm heart
and delusive vows,
letting her use me, play with me,
abuse me for her pleasures,
raping my soul, the frostbite imbibes the warmth from my heart,
she rips me apart,
and I rip my trust to shreds.
My faith is nothing,
my world is nothing,
my religion desecrated,
my pain is her amusement
and she laughs as she flees my spirit,
I watch her withdraw until my eyes burn with sorrow,
I still need her torture,
I still want her pain,
I still love her.
I huddle in torment by the frozen lake,
The ice has cracked, her reflection has dissipated beneath the numb surface
Alone in the blizzard, I wait for her hopeless return,
wishing her to kill me,
before the ice engulfs me, why won't she kill me?
Mark Snellgrove
14 December 96